relatively untouched. [580]

a lot has changed since my last update.

blonde girl was, then was no more.

wow, a lot has changed.

maybe this was a bad idea... [579]

i haven't posted in a while. even before last month's admission of not having posted in a while, i'd become rather reticent at the thought of continued blogging where i can be found.

say what you want about jc, but at least i could remain invisible to the casual onlooker. there was something nice about a casual observer having to log in, having their ip addresses tracked, and knowing which user was looking and when.

out here... there are no such measures. i'm free to read at any given time.

i tried xanga, and a couple of other sites, but i return here because most communites are ridiculous. if it's not the site rules that require one "treats everyone fairly and with respect", then it's idiots posting pictures of their ugly-ass kids. really, i don't give a good god damn about your kids, and i'll call you a punk-bitch if i fucking feel like it.

but, that's just me being... frustrated, or somethin', i dunno.

it's been an interesting few months. got together with an old college girlfriend, tried the long-distance thing for a while, and... yeah, i won't be doing that again. the past really is better off left behind, and long-distance is just begging for trouble.

besides... you can trust people who say they're crazy. admitting it means they're probably not nuts, just a little reckless.

reckless can be tamed. nuts cannot.

draw your own conclusions.

band's going well. preparing for our first headliner in may.

blonde girls, blonde girls, blonde girls...

anyway, perhaps i'll say more later. for now, i have to figure out what i'm doing tonight.

honestly... i prefer to stay up 'til 3a. that's when the clarity comes.

i've got to get better about this [578]

november.

march.

lotta things happening.

i guess i'm coming back here, after all.

more to come... early practice today.

"no, i'm sure she hated every minute of it..." [577]

so, it's been a while.

since my last entry almost six months ago, life has become a bit more under control... well, under as much control as the universe will allow human ego.

i've become a homebody, the seahawks suck again this year (damn you, tim ruskell), below blackstar played its first gig and the band is lined up for at least two more, i met someone, and work is going well, for a change.

when i have all i want, what then will i do?

life is an endless array of puzzles, mathematical equations left to be explored... without them, i'm not sure what i'd do.

closer and further away [576]

my friend, karin, is coming into town tonight.

figured we'd have dinner, then maybe catch a show down at the mars bar... however, i've had the week from hell, so i'm more interested in sitting around, talking, playing chess, maybe watching a bit of teevee before the night is over.

maybe it's time to grill some meat. there's comfort in building a fire, and as there's no precipitation expected, it might be nice to continually stoke the flame and have an old fashioned night out.

friends, flame, and food.

~^v*v^~
i've reached a certain level of acceptance never before thought possible.

i'm constantly disappointed in all that originally seems a decent prospect. i don't suppose i'm closed off to the idea; rather, i'm now much less inclined to throw myself into the river if the other person is still gingerly touching the tip of the water with their toes.

i always was an all-or-nothing kind of guy. give every endeavour all the energy you have all of the time.

otherwise, you're just half-assing through life.

that's no way to live.

blue toenails (all dressed up and nowhere to go) [575]

my plans for the holiday weekend have been altered.

i was supposed to see her, but that's not going down, now.

talk about *blaze of glory... the whole thing seemed to go up in flames.

i wondering what the future holds.

i talked to my mum about it this afternoon.

"i have to prepare myself for the possibility that there may not be anyone out there for me. it hurts to say it, it really does, but i need to make sure it doesn't take me by surprise."
"yeah... yeah, you're right."

mum sounded disappointed.

of course she does. no mother wants to know that their children are hurt, and nothing can be done to fix it.

of course it bothers me... it's a pretty grim assessment, but a possibility for which i need to prepare.

i've made my peace with it. i guess when you expect nothing, anything that happens is something great.

"it's not death if you refuse it... it is if you accept it."
-j. o'barr.

~^v*^v~
yuriy left below blackstar. the split was amicable, but now, we're charged with finding yet another member of the band.

teaching them the same six damn songs.

a year later, and still trying to figure shit out.

fuck.

~^v*v^~
ten weeks until seahawks.

fuck.

~^v*v^~




"i play for keeps 'cause i might not make it back..."

left hand suzuki method [574]

Guns and Roses - Estranged
Uploaded by lessvek. - See the latest featured music videos.

~^v*v^~
i'm never sure what to do anymore.

in times of trouble, go with what you know.

i have a visit to the butcher's planned.

i've got a lot of new dvd's i have yet to view.

seems there's a good show going down at the mars bar.

or, i'll just stay home and contemplate the meaning of the universe and my place in it.

maybe i'll just get drunk.

vertebrate [573]

i've been a retard.

i've been paranoid.

i've been the same ridiculously melodramatic fool i've always been.

she stays.

sometimes, it's good to be alive.

"to find the face you've seen a thousand times" [572]

~^v*v^~
my horoscope for the week:

According to polls, more than half the population believes they are fantastic kissers. How did they get that way? Some people say they have rehearsed extensively by smooching the backs of their own hands or rubbing their lips up against posters of celebrities. Whether you've tried these techniques or have developed other strategies, Aquarius, I advise you to bone up on your skills. Not this week, but soon, you will be entering a prime romantic phase of your astrological cycle -- a time when you will have the potential to accomplish wonders and marvels with your mouth.

she's a foul-mouthed pervert.

she's a complete pain in the ass that's constantly trying to "one-up" me.

she's a pushy bitch that won't stop fucking with me with completely outlandish lies that are notoriously obvious exaggerations.

she's also sweet as all hell.

she calls me "darlingface".

she challenges me, and gives my brain the workout it so desperately requires on a daily basis.

she said i made her feel pretty... she didn't need me for that.

she makes me feel like the protector, the champion.

she's seen the side of me that's a complete prick... and she wants to be a part of it.

she's tough, yet vulnerable.

she's brave, but wants to bury her face in my chest.

she's determined. incorruptible. a fierce lioness.

sometimes, a kitten.

she's got great taste in shoes.

mum would love her ; )

~^v*v^~
Shelley passed away. i went to services.

my first time at one of these things.

i didn't feel right eating there... i know it's a gathering, but... i just wanted to be sad.

i miss you.

time [571]

"you would have the balls to tell me if you ever got tired of me, right?"

~^v*v^~



it feels good inside.

she loves you [570]

i'm in the middle of working on an entry. however, it's almost four in the morning, and it's taking a lot of energy that i don't want to spend any longer.

fact is... i just don't feel that way, anymore. telling the story now... it's ancient history.

i've finally come to a place where it doesn't really bother me, anymore.

that's not to say all is forgiven. far from it. i'm just okay with it, is all.

saturday was day one of the 2009 nfl draft. day one includes the first two rounds, and day two is the third through the seventh. the seahawks picked up wake forest linebacker aaron curry with the fourth overall pick, traded their second (thirty-seventh overall) to denver for denver's first rounder next year.

i sent a text to jeff - "now we have a reason to really hate denver next year!"

the worse they do, the higher the pick we get.

we traded this year's third and fourth rounders to chicago to get their 2009 second rounder (forty-ninth overall), and picked up center max unger out of the university of oregon at a much cheaper price.

since then, we've removed the franchise tag from linebacker leroy hill. after letting it sink in for a few hours, this was a calculated move by the front office. they waited to remove the tag (along with eight million dollars of guaranteed money for hill) until day one ended, when other teams have already blown a lot of cap space and filled their needs at the linebacker position, thus shrinking the market for hill's services, and putting him into a position where not signing with us is stupid.

i'll bet he's pissed.

there are no guarantees - he can still sign with another team, but he doesn't have much leverage.

if it all sounds like greek to you, then that's okay. just take my word for it - after a few weeks of intense smokescreens and posturing, it was a very aggressive and successful day by the seahawks front office.

"as you know, there’s a lot of lying going on."
-seattle seahawks president and general manager tim ruskell.

["timmay!"]

i waited for the phone to ring today.

[no, i didn't think i was going to get drafted.]

the call never came. can you blame me for being confused?

it makes me happy, though... and that's something i haven't felt in a while.

emblissana, my reply (tonight is the night, part II) [569]

she's been my companion this week.

off and on, really. in between the hours i've been sleeping. she's getting to work when i'm close to bed time, and leaving when i awake.

has it really been ten years? eleven?

i recently read something, some blurb about how people we loved and thought we'd know forever, eventually move on, and the people that we may have at one time thought distasteful become closer to us than we'd have ever imagined.

my recent horo:

I actually kind of hope that your brain is in major overload right now. I hope that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the new information you've absorbed, and that your imagination is a blur of wheels within wheels within wheels spinning at top speeds. In fact I'll go so far as to say that if this is the case, you're definitely on the right track. You're doing what's necessary to prepare for rebuilding your foundation in May. And if for some reason there are no wheels within wheels within wheels spinning at top speeds -- if your mind is as empty and clear as a cloudless blue sky in Montana -- then you're probably doing something wrong. So get out there and start stuffing it with new ideas, radical theories, crazy speculations, wild guesses, and raw perceptions.

this has been an interesting week for speculation.

~^v*v^~

here's one of the photos from this week, taken just outside of the rink. i've been playing with night shots:



~^v*v^~

i got the word on thursday afternoon.

hospice is visiting shel on saturday.

i haven't yet managed to talk to her.

this one's for you...



"we were supposed to rise above, but we sink... into the ocean..."