i was twenty-seven.
she was nineteen.
i hadn't intended on it. it just kinda happened. of course, collapse was imminent - she was from berlin, and was only in-country for nine months on a student visa.
it was brief, and not entirely fun - i think drama got the better of her, and nerves the better of me. i'd spent many years being able to attract women, but none of them for any sense of permanence. my actual attempts at romance were met with an immediate cessation of contact and a sense that i'd done something amazingly, gloriously wrong.
the other day, i said, "the main thing that every one of your failed relationships has in common is YOU."
i suppose i've always tried to determine in where my fault is laid. believe it or not, i often find where i can first accept blame, and i do so for two reasons:
1.) i want to know where i've made a mistake so i can determine how to best evolve, and...
2.) if i cannot determine wrongdoing, i want to be able to deduce that i am blame-free, and thusly utilize my reasoning to make a point against those who would attempt to harm me, use their faulty logic against them.
the two are not mutually exclusive, of course.
so, i recently think of this because a fifty-two year old woman made a pass at me. this is not new news - it's at least a few weeks old - but it warrants review, here. i could tell that, twenty years ago, she was smokin' hot, and exactly the kind of thing that could speak my language...
now, of course, she has a son a few months older than i am, so...
even more recently, i met a twenty year-old (here we go again with "berlin syndrome") who has certainly lived a wild life. i can't even get into all of the gory details because, frankly, even my finger-flippin', evil-scowlin', tongue-stickin', people-hatin' ass was made to blush at some of the shit through which she's been.
of course, she's already had two kids, and recently gave one up (the newborn)... how am i supposed to deal with that?
so, here i sit, blogging away, wondering to what it is i've been reduced. there are things about the twenty year-old that i really kinda like... but there were things i really liked about hilary, maxine... carli...
... and i guess we've seen how all of that turned out.
one word: disastrous.
i came to a realization with 20yo: all this time, i've been waiting for a "nice girl" to temper my wild ways.
well, i find that i'm nowhere near as wild as i used to be (damn sobriety - i miss drogas and some of the greatest people i still know i met through "taking drugs to make music to take drugs to". you will never hear me utter the "drugs are bad, m'kay" sentiment because i don't really believe it, and experience has taught me otherwise.)
and as i've gotten older, i've found out that the "nice girls"... well, they're really not that nice at all, are they?
even if they are, there's usually some bullshit bubbling beneath the surface that will jump up and bite ya when you lease expect it!
BITE!
AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
everyone has an agenda. cynical, i know, but even as i try to remain true to what i used to dream about at eighteen, twenty-four, twenty-seven, now at thirty, i realize that everyone else has grown up around me, and i feel kinda left behind.
but, it's all just bitching, isn't it? it's all just me being a pussy about everything, and waiting to find that which i've built in my mind to be "perfect", even through it's not really "perfection", just the "ideal"... the person i thought would be able to fit me best.
not that i'm wild anymore, but the intensity has indeed grown.
i used to want a lot of things, and i guess the best way to describe it is:
"tell me, from a girl's point of view, what do you want from a guy?"
"well, when i first moved out here from tucson, i wanted a guy with looks, security, caring; someone with their own place; someone who said 'bless you' or 'gesundheit' when i sneezed; someone who liked the same things as me, but not exactly; someone who loves me."
"tall order."
"yeah, i scaled it down a little."
"what is it now?"
"someone who says 'gesundheit,' although i prefer 'bless you' - it's nicer."
-bridget fonda's "janet" and campbell scott's "steve"
from the cameron crowe film, singles.
so, maybe it was never simple.
i don't really know what to do about it anymore.
i don't want to ditch, and be closed off to the possibilities, but i don't want to stick around and deal with more bullshit, either.
i am open to suggestions...
by the way, the new mercury rev album, snowflake midnight - fucking awesome.
