i just believe in me [550]

i was watching the seahawks/packers game this past sunday. i was having some loverly serendipitous apricot ale out of my new favourite beer mug, when david and jeff got to talkin' politics again.

i knew exactly where this was going...

see, david is a staunch democrat.

jeff, however, can grasp the theory of trickle-down economics.

i have left leanings, but i also have right leanings.

i also know it isn't wise to align yourself to theories formulated by other fucking people.

in the few years i've known david, i know that he sometimes gets it in his head that he's got the greatest world view, a benevolent sense of right and wrong.

jeff, however, just likes being a prick... which, you know, i can dig that.

david doesn't really know how to argue, or so it would seem. jeff made a statement about not being made to feel guilty by the bleeding hearts for what he has, for earning what he has.

david, of course, retorted by calling jeff a bad american, and that he needs to have a sense of guilt for having, and not giving to the have-nots.

this is when i chimed in:

"look, i know you guys each have your view, but right now, both of you need to sit down, and drink beer, and watch football, and leave the debate for another day."

david replies with, "hey, man, i have a right to express."
"you're right - but i have a right to sit on my skinny ass, drink beer, watch football, and not have to listen to you guys during a seahawks game!"

that argument was over in the blink of an eye. each knew there was no coming back from that point.

i mean, seriously - the only bad american is one who doesn't like to relax with his buddies.

i took jeff outside during the half, and told him not to argue with david.

"it's not that i don't agree with you, dude, because i think you and are are similar politically, but i frankly don't need you egging him on. i DO have to live with the guy, you know."

jeff conceded, and we proceeded to watch the seahawks get their asses kicked by the pack.

fuckers.

david kinda gets on my nerves sometimes... i was trying to relay a pigman story (pigman: recently former drummer for my band, below blackstar - and yes, i'm kinda upset about it), and he cuts me off by telling me to get over it, and that if i keep feeling negative about it, i'll never find someone to replace pigman.

the problem with people is that they feign compassion, but are really only interested in themselves.

now, see, here's where i circumvent that logical fallacy - i don't pretend to be compassionate, and i fully accept the fact that i am mostly interested in myself.

see, i learned a long time ago that if you don't care about Number One, you'll never be in any position to care for others.

and i do care for others... those that show me that they're worth my care.

i've seen the abuse of the system, and trying to work with it is like riding a bike without a seat.

working with idiots will only allow you to frustrate yourself. i know exactly what kind of challenge it will be to find a drummer because i've been there for the last eight years. i know exactly the kind of challenge it will be because i'm actively in the scene, and i know the landscape of seattle music. i can anticipate the pitfalls because i've been a musician for a very long time, and i know that only the few that earn the privilege can ever grace the stage and maybe, just maybe, influence somebody else into doing for themselves what you have done for yourself.

i know what kind of challenge lies ahead because musicians are dicks.

how do i know?

i am one.

we can smell our own.

i don't talk politics with david because if i told him i was honestly going to vote for mcclane/gruber, i'd get a lecture about what it means to be young and inexperienced and stupid.

news flash, buddy: just because you're old doesn't mean that you're wise...

it just means you're old, and you can still be stupid.

hmph - all this from a man that screams like a little bitch when he sees a little mouse.

the dream is over, asshole.







if i get old, i will not give in
but if i do, remind me of this.
remind me that once i was free,
once i was cool, once i was me.

and if i sat down, and crossed my arms,
hold me into this song.

knock me out, smash out my brains,
if i take a chair, start to talk shit.....

if i get old, remind me of this:
that night we kissed, and I really meant it.

whatever happens, if we're still speaking.
pick up the phone, play me this song.



elect john mcclane

you have the means in your possession [549]

i'm in a good mood, which doesn't happen often. i'd say enjoy it, because tomorrow's a whole other day.

i think i've met someone. we've talked a couple of times, and... i'm trying hard not to be excited, not to get my hopes up, not to expect too much.

it feels nice, though, to kinda be into someone again.

simultaneously, there's this thing in the back of my head that's saying, "run, bitch! ruuuuuuuuun!"

i can't run forever. frankly, i complain about how much i want this, but i can't complain and then run when i get it.

i'm going to have to learn to let go, if not now, then eventually.

i'm not going to relegate myself into the "involved" category if it's all wrong, but i know i can't start looking for reasons to avoid the matter if they're not really there.

she's beautiful, and really, really intelligent. she's a huge seahawks fan, and has great taste in music (and really, how often do i say that?). she has an awesome sense of humour, and it's apparent that she's no pushover, which i've always professed was a trait that i so longed for...

don't get ahead of yourself, don't expect too much, just learn to enjoy the moments as they pass.

good friends and a bottle of pills [548]

a quiet friday night at home.

bought a sammich from the deli i discovered yesterday, and it was fabulous.

been laying in bed under the covers for the last two hours, pretending to watch the teevee.

matt moved back to england. i was talking with julie about it today, and, after eight months, i thought i might finally make good on the beer i promised him when i fired him.

nope. he moved back.

you know... i know his kid was here, but he was really, really unhappy.

more power to you, dude, if you think you can really be without your young one. if i'm ever on the isle, i'll make good on a few pints.

company might be nice right now, but all i'm meeting are women whose asses are bigger than that which i prefer. can't roll with that, ya see...

trying not to worry about it all, but in my heart of hearts...

yeah, well - anyone who knows me knows better.

after watching some of the vp debate last night, i sent a text to my old man (a staunch republican): "you know i'd do [palin], but i can't bring myself to vote for either of these assholes. i think i'm voting mcclane!"


he texts me back: "wise choice"

yippee ki-yay, america.

come little lately, get your shine on... [547]

fuck it. i went out with the 20yo.

sweet girl, really. wise beyond her years.

but...

<sigh>

guys like me... cowboys...

... we ride alone.

perceptions [546]

i was twenty-seven.

she was nineteen.

i hadn't intended on it. it just kinda happened. of course, collapse was imminent - she was from berlin, and was only in-country for nine months on a student visa.

it was brief, and not entirely fun - i think drama got the better of her, and nerves the better of me. i'd spent many years being able to attract women, but none of them for any sense of permanence. my actual attempts at romance were met with an immediate cessation of contact and a sense that i'd done something amazingly, gloriously wrong.

the other day, i said, "the main thing that every one of your failed relationships has in common is YOU."

i suppose i've always tried to determine in where my fault is laid. believe it or not, i often find where i can first accept blame, and i do so for two reasons:

1.) i want to know where i've made a mistake so i can determine how to best evolve, and...
2.) if i cannot determine wrongdoing, i want to be able to deduce that i am blame-free, and thusly utilize my reasoning to make a point against those who would attempt to harm me, use their faulty logic against them.

the two are not mutually exclusive, of course.

so, i recently think of this because a fifty-two year old woman made a pass at me. this is not new news - it's at least a few weeks old - but it warrants review, here. i could tell that, twenty years ago, she was smokin' hot, and exactly the kind of thing that could speak my language...

now, of course, she has a son a few months older than i am, so...

even more recently, i met a twenty year-old (here we go again with "berlin syndrome") who has certainly lived a wild life. i can't even get into all of the gory details because, frankly, even my finger-flippin', evil-scowlin', tongue-stickin', people-hatin' ass was made to blush at some of the shit through which she's been.

of course, she's already had two kids, and recently gave one up (the newborn)... how am i supposed to deal with that?

so, here i sit, blogging away, wondering to what it is i've been reduced. there are things about the twenty year-old that i really kinda like... but there were things i really liked about hilary, maxine... carli...

... and i guess we've seen how all of that turned out.

one word: disastrous.

i came to a realization with 20yo: all this time, i've been waiting for a "nice girl" to temper my wild ways.

well, i find that i'm nowhere near as wild as i used to be (damn sobriety - i miss drogas and some of the greatest people i still know i met through "taking drugs to make music to take drugs to". you will never hear me utter the "drugs are bad, m'kay" sentiment because i don't really believe it, and experience has taught me otherwise.)

and as i've gotten older, i've found out that the "nice girls"... well, they're really not that nice at all, are they?

even if they are, there's usually some bullshit bubbling beneath the surface that will jump up and bite ya when you lease expect it!

BITE!

AAAAAHHHHH!!!!

everyone has an agenda. cynical, i know, but even as i try to remain true to what i used to dream about at eighteen, twenty-four, twenty-seven, now at thirty, i realize that everyone else has grown up around me, and i feel kinda left behind.



but, it's all just bitching, isn't it? it's all just me being a pussy about everything, and waiting to find that which i've built in my mind to be "perfect", even through it's not really "perfection", just the "ideal"... the person i thought would be able to fit me best.

not that i'm wild anymore, but the intensity has indeed grown.

i used to want a lot of things, and i guess the best way to describe it is:

"tell me, from a girl's point of view, what do you want from a guy?"
"well, when i first moved out here from tucson, i wanted a guy with looks, security, caring; someone with their own place; someone who said 'bless you' or 'gesundheit' when i sneezed; someone who liked the same things as me, but not exactly; someone who loves me."
"tall order."
"yeah, i scaled it down a little."
"what is it now?"
"someone who says 'gesundheit,' although i prefer 'bless you' - it's nicer."
-bridget fonda's "janet" and campbell scott's "steve"
from the cameron crowe film, singles.

so, maybe it was never simple.

i don't really know what to do about it anymore.

i don't want to ditch, and be closed off to the possibilities, but i don't want to stick around and deal with more bullshit, either.

i am open to suggestions...

~^v*v^~
by the way, the new mercury rev album, snowflake midnight - fucking awesome.

expatriate, not expatriot [545]

a new home.

funny... been wanting to leave the other blog site for a while, but the easy community made it difficult to do so.

still... too many jerk-off, idiot, pussy writers over there, and none can fend for themselves without running to the admins for support (i don't blame the admins, they're solid folk).

however, the word is "expatriate", not "expatriot".

"expatriot" is not a word.

"expatriate" is me, today, away from the other site.

don't know how long i'll blog here, or if i'll leave the other site, or...

i guess i'll just figure that out as i go.

it's late, i should sleep...

"decaffeinate, unleaded, keep all surfaces clean..."